Friday, June 20, 2014

i want to know who your suicide notes are addressed to now by ari

in the swimming pool, my sister takes 
pictures of my feet ballet position,
back upright, arms on hips.
"make waves like this"
i make waves like this and she takes pictures of them. 
i float on my back under water,
three feet from above water and i try to recite poetry
i wrote a year ago 
i come up and still wonder if i'm able to hear anything but my bones cracking under there. 
it isnt long before i realize i can hold my breath longer than i could last week and 
i feel like i am seconds away from death. 

june 18th, 4 in the morning,
3,000 miles away the pills are being shipped out of her stomach and i know they've been back stroking through there for too long. 

(i get out of the pool and she tells me 
what's happened and where she's taking it from here)
i say i love her and i say it as more than a friend. 
i say it because i have to 
i say it because at one point, her suicide notes were addressed to me and i dont know who reads her new ones now.
i say it because nine months ago,
i made her breathe and only breathe and
i stayed awake while she slept on the other line.
i say it because i have been those pills in her gut but also i have been 
the days when she has been clean. 
i say i love you and i dont stop. 

i still feel like i'm under water.

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