Jessi,

I'm sorry that I lose you in the crowd sometimes.

even if you've sunken deep into 

uncharted waters, even if you 

are dis a   p   p     e         a                r                     i                           n              

even if you are being eaten by 

my subconscious and by many

hours spent aching on my part

at least I know you're alone. 

utterly, terribly, wonder-

fully alone.  

get to know me,
I'm good, I swear.
sometimes I even do pretty things
sometimes I make funny faces
you could record them with a shaky camera, if you wanted,
while my voice is awfully fuzzy, but you can hear me saying,
"this couldn't get any better."

get to know me,
my hair isn't that bad, I swear.
my eyes aren't sunken like this
sometimes my room is clean
sometimes I will make you food
sometimes I will do cute things.

get to know me
I don't rust, I swear
I don't unfaith
unhope or
untrust.

well, maybe the trust.

but get to know me
I'm good,
I swear.

God I just want to help, I just want to help.
Because I can't do anything else.

I have no
stomach,

I need to feed my head.

I thought that I'd lost my voice in all the

bustle - dragging me behind like the train 

on her wedding day. 

gone hoarse - my voice was clawing the inside of my throat, trying

to reach the top of my mouth and 

shout! something!

think I'm finding another voice, think
I don't have another choice. 

I try to say things that
people will remember, I think
"someday one of these people will
say it's something they'll cherish"
I think like that a lot. Too often, maybe?
I don't know what 'too often' is, most
of the time.

too much trouble,
too much trouble to move myself like
I'd like to move. too much trouble to
brush the dust from my shoes, too much
trouble! to pick up my feet like good girls
do.

like I'm sitting
on my foot and I'm
losing circulation and
it's too much
trouble
to move.

like I'm cold
and there's a jacket
on the bedpost
but it's too much
trouble
to use.

two eyes closed like pinched, pursed like lips
on the verge of speech, it's funny how
long it's taken to be able to see them properly
and how longingly I would wait for your big
beautiful globes to spout a simple greeting but
I would rather grate my skin like cheese
than hear your mouth say another
thing.