living IS

When there's an edge in the conversation,
when you now exactly what is bothering both parties,
and you know there's no resolving it,
no getting over it either..

What can you do but
have an angry,
passionate
and loving
throw down?

----------------------

These days, saying your in love is almost
like saying, "I don't need love."
in the 20's.

Can't a girl be in love without the hate?

Saying I need to 'find' myself before
I can be with anyone else has
no effect.

I know myself pretty well and
though I am far from what I could be
and ions away from adulthood,
I can tell you that

I
know
that I make mistakes
and
one or either of us
could want out of this at some point..
but my point, good lady
is that I can do
what I want.

So, I can be in love.
Without wanting to stop living for myself.

I like a Pink song

am so unbelievably thankful.
I wish I deserved all of this,
but I don't and
I got to thinking..
what do I deserve then?

Is it true that everyone deserves happiness?
But..what if happiness isn't what they want?

Someone once told me that
life was not about being happy,
but being exactly who you are,
and feeling exactly how you feel.

But I ask you,
wouldn't you want to be the best version of
yourself and isn't
that version
happiness?

True enough that there would not be happiness
without
every other emotion,
but why can't happiness
take the cake?
Would that make a glutton out of
the happy ones?

All I know is that underneath emotion,
we must have a base.
Things are either going to be okay,
or they aren't.

sometimes, I travel to you

Doing something that
you know is wrong,
is..unsatisfying.

Not anything like drugs or sex or partying out until 4am,
those are all choices.
If you don't think something is wrong,
then,
it isn't.
Because in the long run?
Only your opinion matters.

But when you do something that you
know
will not accomplish anything,
Not even a selfish feeling of worth on the subject,
it is un-gratifying and hurtful.

Anger is not an excuse.
You never really have an excuse when
you do something
against you own
better
judgment and
gut feeling.

And I just made a mistake.
I am human but

I am also just a girl,
standing in front of a boy
asking him
to love her.

what are waiting rooms made for?

Not for me.
Not for hospitals.

----------------------------------

Temporarily, you'll be living.
And some believe, temporarily,
you'll be dead.

Temporarily I'll be young and maybe sometime in there I'll be free,
and maybe sometime I'll go through a lot of pain.
I've got demons. But nothing I can't handle, you know?
Nothing that everyone else hasn't handled before me.
I'll have help, maybe.
I know you love me and he and she love me and they all love me,
but damn it if everything doesn't feel so incredibly
temporary
all the time.

I know and people have told me that I must enjoy things while they last.
I do. Believe you me, I very much love life and my own.

But after all of the temporary thrills and kills in this life,
it is so ridiculously fulfilling to have one that feels just the least bit constant.

And it's very difficult to not wish that everything felt as
successful
as that one relationship.
That everyone felt as committed to me
as I do
to them.

I realize how unrealistic it is.
And how this temporariness outlook can be applied positively.
And also that I have my own faults in this area.

It's just something to complain about really.

Not being in public school does things to you.
I did this drawing two days ago, and have done more since, but this little guy remains my favorite. Mumsy thinks he looks like Yoda.

Who are you, Furee Katt?

You've started commenting on my blog and I'm interested.
I'm Jessi.

so..mom's indignant

Do you think it's wrong to want to be at peace with everyone?

I'm in the woods

I have no shame, but I do have faults.
I've never given up my seat for an elderly person.
I don't ride the bus that much anyway.
I say a lot of things and I try new things.
I need a creative outlet,
an aggressive outlet
and a..yearning outlet.
If that's what you want to call sex.

I take a lot, but I like to think I give a lot too.
Sometimes I give things that people may not want
but I spend copious amounts of my time on.

I want to care more about everything than I do,
but I don't know if that makes things better.
Or worse, come to think.

I'd rather be a cat.
Though, I don't see how I'd be a vegetarian...
I wonder if cats believe in love or hate.
I wonder if I do.

See?
I'd be a great cat

fault and blame are worldly things

Why has poetry changed for me?
My poetry was never really poetry,
but notes. Little notes
to myself and others at times..

You did this to me.
I don't blame you.
In fact I don't believe in blame and fault and such things
What I do believe in is influence.
YOU are influence
and YOU couldn't be YOU
without influence.

The redundancy!
The repetition, the
world over!

The world will not end.
"The World" is wherever we live.
And trust me,
we'll find another mother
and cost her just as much
like the spoiled brats we are.

But spoiled isn't the right word.
We're en gorged and fattened
also bruised and flattened
and beaten
and adored.
And we'll keep on going
because we don't believe in
"natural"
We believe in
self-sufficiency
and "man-made"
and MAN
bites dog down
with his mannish name.

I do not hate the WORLD.
What I do hate is
nothing.
Doing nothing
seeing nothing
being nothing.

Being someone
and loving something
and living somewhere
all of everything!

All
of
nothing.

dragging

I talk to myself a lot these days.
And you know, I find myself to be increasingly boring.

I just feel
so very
alone.

I feel as if I was born, I was living
and then
I stopped.
I just stopped.

I still love and I cry and I have opinions and insight..
but somewhere along the line, I just
didn't care
about
the future
anymore.

musing

The need for variety baffles me.
Not for things like food or clothes or hair styles..
those are petals.
Aren't people and conversation and human contact a root to the stem of meeting people and liking them and growing to build relationships and love and comaraderie?
I dunno. When you say things like the need for new people, it often times makes me feel..old.
This may seem selfish on my part.
So many before have told me I was foolish,
but as many times as I have heard it, I have yet to experience it myself.

I just don't understand.

right then

Everything is good,
everything is good.

There are Grand Openings
for shiny new businesses.
Something is discovered,
invented,
improved!

Babies are popping up like..
well, like babies.

Good.

Good like,
good for our
futures.
Good like,
good for our
children's children's children!

How
un-
selfish
are we, right?

to do

The thing is..
I absolutely feel your input and commentary to be necessary.
I care what you think, basically.

But, you know..
you suck
and
you
suck.

I hug you
and hug you
and squeeze
but I'm hugging
and squeezing
what's already bruised
from too much
tough love.

kids are sociopaths

I watched them
swaying
doing dishes
hip to hip
in time to
the music.

And what was that picture?
Above the table
with the seashell lamp
in the room with
the ceramic dalmation.
That picture
frustrated me
and made me jealous
of the stupidest
little
angel.

Why they would want
to
show him off.

the vastness

I have a feeling
that puppy love isn't
really
puppy love.

I have a feeling that
it's almost
a way to de-
humanize
a very
human
chemical balance
and
imbalance.

I
don't believe
in
puppy
love.

Next christmas
I'm getting you
a big
wooden
cross.

So the next time you feel your
sacrifices
unappreciated,
you can climb up
And nail
yourself to it.

I think that maybe,
if it were of a desperate sort
you would want it more. Want me more.
The matter of the thing is,
What if it is desperate for one person,
and not so for the other?

I'm just letting you know,
I don't need you.
I can make so many, plenty of beautiful things,
with or without your company.
Unfortunately for you,
I tend to be satisfied,
regardless of my frustrations,
Or how angry you make me.

Fuck you. Just fuck you for trying.

I cannot drink too much,

You make me feel so empty sometimes,
because you're so full of everything.
You're full of words and ideas and honest-to-god faithfulness.
You're full to the brim with tears,
big, salty, warm tears that go splash when they land.

You are full, so full in fact
that you over-swell the cup at times.
You flood and you flow and you drench me in your sweetness.
And afterward, when I've been set out to dry,
and your essence is evaporating away, away from me
I try and snatch back what I can from the theiving air.
Like a child I cling to the promises, the dreams and ceremonies.
For fear, for worry, for enduring promise.

You're so full, when you're not trying to fill me.

An Ode to Target

Illuminating red beckons those who seek to
invest in hats, scarves, and gloves for the bitter bitch
that winter is.

A concrete monster separates you from salvation,
painted yellow, assigning your personal space,
and limiting your dance.

But a step and a stumble over pot-holes
that wish to swallow you whole,
a glass automatic door awaits.

You prance, clutching the insides of your pockets,
yearning for that first breath of warmth,
itching for a smile and a, "May I help you?"

And though your second wish never comes,
it is enough to be able to spread your lips
in a smile that can only spring from thawing limbs.

It's hard for me to think that you actually want me in that way.
Why? I'm not necessarily sure. I've been wanted before, I think.
I am usually, whether you like it or not, an after-thought.
Though some beg to differ,
and if I am that, I'm accepting.
I'm accepting it regardless of my future-self.
Fuck that embodiment of myself and my ideals.

I've never thought of it that way before.
I've also never been this honest.
I've lied to you twice, that I've counted.
And only a week in, whew.
What a strain.

In case you forget:

"I like when you touch my shoulders like that. It makes me feel strong."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I love you--"
"Tah?"
"What?"
"You love Utah. That's cool."
-------------------------------
"Something like honey--"
"Honey."
"Yeah, like sweetie--"
"Honey-sweetie."
"Like, baby."
"Honey-sweetie-baby."
----------------------------
"Too far away, Jessi."
----------------------------
"Having all of your clothes on sucks."
---------------------------------------
"I wish Sperber were here."
------------------------------
"When I say things like, 'sternum' I think, 'who cares?'"
---------------------------------------------------------
"I don't want you to ever regret any night you spend with me."
--------------------------------------------------------------
"Where's Aaron Brodersen when you need him?"
---------------------------------------------
"I kind of missed you."
------------------------
"I don't know who's creepier:
Me for having hairy legs, or you for liking them. I think it's you."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

This is from December 26th, 2010.
Fucking hell. I probably should have listened to my first instinct.

************************************************

I am not exactly on cloud nine. Like I thought I'd be.
I'm not feeling girlish.
Because what if I am just your safety plan?
I have a feeling that you're unstable enough to use me in that way.
Even though I know you wouldn't realize it, it's what you're doing.

Maybe.

It's like I was sitting with a plate in front of me. And it was empty.
It was empty for a really long time, and when I pictured you on my platter,
you looked a lot tastier than you seem at the moment.
And now that you're there, you seem like you've been cut in half.
Like you have a huge hole where the hearty, tasty goodness used to be.

Whether I want to believe it or not,
life is not all about getting some for me.
I want you to taste and BE as delicious as you were a month ago.

I wish I could just rip you apart and devour you so you could always be mine, and I wouldn't have to worry about my plate anymore.
Because you wouldn't be in front of me, you'd be inside, sitting, swimming through me.

The back of my head feels like someone nailed a board to it.
That's the fear. It's laid it's egg right there in the back of me skull.
And I hope it doesn't hatch all over you tomorrow.

I'm so scared. I haven't been this scared in awhile.

I need to sleep.
No more of this drug of Sleep Deprivation.
No more.


Honey-sweetie-baby.
Is that what you want?
Well of course.
I'll do anything for you.

Charlotte,

I understand why you didn't like Steve Martin, okay?
I understand why you never played barbies with me, and always made Leroy.
I get that I was, in retrospect, a replacement child.
I'm sorry I never called you
I'm sorry I never wrote
I'm sorry I didn't tell you how much I thought about you.
And I'm sorry that I lost the music box you gave me.

I think that it sucks that this is all I can give you right now.
I think that it's a shame that I am a teenager, oh so devoted to the art of attention whoring.

I wish you could see me all grown up.
I just know you'd be proud of me.
Because for some reason, you never once noticed a fault of mine.

And I'm angry. I'm not angsty. I'm not upset.
I am angry and hurt and selfish
for wanting you to stay.

And came a comrade for the taking

I tend to get frustrated a lot.
And nothing I do, whether it be an attempt to rid me of said stress, or just anything to try and calm or soothe or make joyful myself and anyone else, helps.

Everything I do must be a dilemma.
A conundrum.

Simplicity within my own head would be nice sometimes.
Because even if I forget one thing,
there is another lurking in the swells.

I don't really want to talk about anything.
But I do. Every single day. Out of a wretched habit.
A ritual. A routine that I've fallen into.

You know, I think perhaps it's time to be quiet.
Because when I talk, I only complicate.
And no one would mind.
In fact, I like listening to Annemarie, Jordan, Spencer, Mason, Nicole, Avery, Wade..etc. more than I like the sound of my own whining. Or my own questions.

Perhaps it's time to ponder.
It's time to focus.
And time to un-focus, if you get my meaning.

But within all this solitude,
it would be nice to have a comrade.